by EMILY FODOR
The following is a list of things that are longer than Kim Kardashian and Kris Humpries’ 72 day marriage:
15. The length of time it takes Violet from “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” to chew a piece of gum- This, of course, previous to her blueberry gum blow-up, is actually pretty lengthy. Her piece of gum lasts her through many disasters and if it’s not being chewed, it’s behind her ear. Clever and handy? I think so.
14. The name Kardashian- With 10 letters, the name Kardashian reaches a point that Kim’s marriage never did, committment. In a game of baseball, Kim’s marriage is a bunt and her last name reaches third base. Sad? Yes. True? Very much so.
13. Oprah Winfrey’s diet plan- The fluctuating weight of Oprah resembles, well, a balloon. Her diet plan doesn’t last much longer than 72 days, considering she still looks like one of the beginners on “The Biggest Loser.”
12. Michael Jordan’s baseball career- Hey, the only sport that works for him is also basketball, like Kris. The mistake that they both made is thinking they can do more than they really can. For Michael Jordan, it’s baseball. For Kris Humpries, it’s surviving the Kardashian family.
11. Gary Coleman’s shoe size- Not to speak ill of the dead, but this midget’s miniscule shoe size outweighs Kim’s marital status by a mile. In comparison to Kris Humpries, Gary Coleman is Jerry next to Tom. Embarrassing? Definitely.
10. Dora the Explorer’s pause after she asks the audience a question- Unfortunately, the time after Dora asks us things set aside for deep audience thought has made the list for lasting longer than this shameful marriage.
9. The 2011 East Coast Earthquake- Yes, this catastrophic natural disaster cleared the qualifications for having an extensive length, more extensive than the holy matrimony. We all know, being in New Jersey, that this quake was brutal and caused so much damage that it clearly earned the infamous title of “tragic.”
8. The idea that Kim would take Humphries as her last name- This idea, that was also short-lived, was quickly squashed by the matriarch of the Kardashian/Jenner Family, Kris Jenner. Reminded that the name was not only a last name, but a “brand,” Kim quickly hopped on board for keeping her name. It actually turned out for the better considering she doesn’t have to go through the process of changing her name back!
7. Taylor Swift’s speech before Kanye West took the mic- The famous “Imma let you finish, but…” interruption during the 2010 VMA’s by Kanye West has to be longer than this marriage. Sadly, T. Swift didn’t get to finish her speech before Kanye broadcasted that “Beyonce should have won.” AWKWARD.
6. The line of trick-or-treaters outside Casey Anthony’s house- Although she was acquitted of murder, I highly doubt many kids would take the chance of receiving candy from this woman. How much is free candy really worth?
5. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious-Even Mary Poppins has this over Kim Kardashian…and she can fly with an umbrella!
4. Licks to get to the center of a tootsie pop- “A one, a twooo, a three” oops already above par! Better slow your licking down Mr. Owl, you’re making Kim K. feel horrible about her marriage with “irreconcilable differences”!
3. Tiger Woods’ mistress list- During the time of giving, food was not the only thing these girls were giving Tiger. This Thanksgiving disaster of 2010 revealed Tiger’s promiscuous activities. A lion wouldn’t cheat, but a Tiger Wood! It’s okay Elin, there are other animals in the jungle.
2. O.J. Simpson’s murder trial- How ironic that Kim’s father defended this man during this trial that was, once again, longer than her marriage. If a murder trial beats out your wedding time, then you’ve got more problems than divorce papers.
1. Ms. Speizer’s Halloween Renaissance dress/cape – Nuff said